My Platforms

There are a couple of things I know about me, first hand.

What might be my “platform”? The potential ones are lesbian, woman, person of color (poc). And they carry a lot of expectations that I don’t quite cotton to. I’m fairly private so my lesbianism is more about my attraction and preference to a specific woman. I don’t necessarily walk through life thinking of myself as a ‘black or hispanic’ person—mostly because I don’t feel obligated to carry a torch of responsibility to a racial or ethnic group. When I’m in a room of people, I don’t think of myself as a poc except that I recognize that others expect me to react and see the world through that lens. 

One additional easy platform worth mentioning is that of a loyal, unflappable worker bee. That’s the safe persona I exude at work, it's one I spend the most time in. Even the ‘safe, loyal, worker bee' is really not me. I’m more of a ‘get-it-done-at-the-last-minute’ kind of person and routine drives me toward irritability.
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These seemingly obvious ‘platforms’ are not ones that feel natural. So then, what does?

I think the idea of being incognito is much more significant for me. Because in all the superficial platforms mentioned above (lesbian, woman, poc, worker bee) I feel a bit of an imposter, almost a dilettante because I haven’t invested a great amount of effort into fully filling out the ‘role’. The roles are like clothing I put on to travel in out in the public arena…they are my point of contact with the outside world but they do not define me.


One might ask then, what personas of mine are NOT just window dressing? Great question and one I’m never quite certain about except that I think it has to do with:

1. being a working writer (upon reflection, an essayist in the tradition of Phillip Lopate),
   
2. a desire to be an independent person who contributes to the good of individual members of society,
   
3. being a force to be reckoned with as well as being a recluse who can with effort be a less private figure,
   
4. being an individual who is self directed and self-employed, who works in great waves of productivity (in between little troughs of idleness) with passion and resolve.

What is extremely interesting to me is that these real roles are ones I haven’t made any headway toward. They remain largely in the province of my heart and head, completely unrealized. I have lived my life up to now as a scared and confused procrastinator who desperately hides behind the aforementioned false platforms. That is exactly why I’m so unhappy.

List of how I might daylight my 'real roles':

• work part time. (hint: not a career).
  
• get a handle on your financial situation so you can do #1
• write regularly - this includes personal sites for mind clearing exercises like 750 words, blogs, journals, essays that are submitted to journals, letters to the editor, etc.
• read regularly - this includes new and old fiction , literary journals, and daily newspapers (ny times, la times), the new yorker, the economist, and online journals (morning news, narrative, brain pickings).
• interface with others regularly - find a group to make a commitment to, start doing professional readings again, become a high-level participant in an email group
  
• be a worker-bee at home (i.e - COOK, go to the grocery store, feed the pet, do the laundry, pick up areas, take out the garbage.)
• Do another creative thing regularly (sew, paint, draw, take pictures).
• Exercise every day.
• Reduce negative thoughts (one way is to keep a gratitude journal each night).